QUICKIE EXCERPT: “MUFFBALL MORVA AND THE ULTRAVIOLENT STEROIDS LEAGUE”

Since it’s still baseball season, we figured you’d want to see what the future of such a sport might hold for us if misogyny and drug abuse were to go unchecked. Enjoy.

MUFFBALL MORVA AND THE ULTRAVIOLENT STEROIDS LEAGUE

The one-eyed pitcher Morva Gagglegulch smiles and sticks her hand down her pants. She pulls it out and raises a wad of blood and muck. The crowd—forty thousand deadbeats, dirtbags, and sociopaths strong—chants “MUFF-BALL, MUFF-BALL.” At least one-third of them shakes the flowering branches of the morva redcoil tree. 

Kaboom Thorncock, his sleeveless jersey displaying a steroids-enhanced arm with more crags and valleys than Paul Bunyan’s first poop of the morning, holds his bat by his crotch and thrusts his hips forward. His voice grinds through the speakers in Juiced Park. “You know what a socket-cockit is, Morva Gagonmyjunk? It’s when a guy fucks a blind bitch’s eye socket. That’s what I’m gonna do to you.”

One of few Penetrators fans shouts “kaaa-BOOOM!” and squirts glowing gel from a tube he holds by his groin. 

Morva smothers her cooter soup over the ball and pushes a knuckle into the patch that covers her missing left eye—the work of Thorncock.

One fan sees himself on the scoreboard screen. He shows his ballbag, which bears a tattoo of the Venging Butchers logo, then bites off the breasts and vagina of a PenetrateWhore doll. The scoreboard also shows that Morva’s Butchers are up two-one over the Penetrators with two out in the bottom of the ninth. The Penetrators have a man on first and the Ultraviolent Steroids League’s most feared slugger at the plate.

Morva feels her back pocket for the Bluemby, a candy whose blue dye causes a severe allergic reaction when she eats it.

Thorncock snorts and kicks dirt with cleats that say “BITCH BLINDERS.” The spikes on his batting gloves glimmer as he jabs his index and middle fingers toward his left eye. “Why you smiling, Morevadge Gagglegulch? Throw it, or I’m gonna come over there and bury my foot in your mound.”

The crowd responds with vulgarities and expulsions. One guy takes off his sock, wipes his butt with it, and yells “Thorncock, eat my sock” before hurling it toward the field.
Morva winds up, then performs her trademark shriek as she releases the ball. Hundreds of cameras flash as the ball, spitting Morva’s crotch sauce, speeds toward Thorncock and drops drastically.

Thorncock yells his patented “kaaa-BOOOM!” and swings for the stadium’s farthest home run torment target—the one that crushes twelve people and sprays their blood on the fans. He misses the pitch by a mile. The Butchers fans go elephant-balls and the morva redcoil flowers jounce in a spasm of scarlet.

But Thorncock does something unexpected: he holds up four fingers and points them at Morva. When most players in the Ultraviolent Steroids League strike out, that’s it. But Thorncock takes beanball option four.

That puts revenge in Muffball Morva’s grasp. So she does what she always does on the diamond: she smiles.

“Muffball Morva and the Ultraviolent Steroids League” is one of twelve short stories available in I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD . . . ONE INESTINE AT A TIME by Douglas J. Ogurek.

Click the image below and find out why society is fucked. Plumb fucked.

NOW AVAILABLE ON AMAZON

Our latest offering is now available on Amazon.

I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD . . . ONE INTESTINE AT A TIME, the inaugural collection from Douglas J. Ogurek, contains 12 unabashedly over-the-top stories which merge horror and bizarro elements while remaining true to the unsplatterpunk subgenre’s focus on a positive message.

As you peel and squelch your way through these vile contents, be prepared to lose your lunch and learn a lesson . . . one intestine at a time.

Click the image to nab an ebook copy today. (Paperback coming soon!)

COVER REVEAL: I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD . . . ONE INTESTINE AT A TIME

I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD . . . ONE INTESTINE AT A TIME by Douglas J. Ogurek, the founder of unsplatterpunk, is a collection of twelve stories that highlight how our society is fucked.

Plumb fucked.

Check out the cover below!


This unique artwork, created by the inimitable Kevin Enhart, contains images from the stories that perfectly capture the overall mood of this badass, gross, and gory yet uplifting collection.

I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD . . . ONE INTESTINE AT A TIME will release in late July 2022. Stay tuned for the official date and links!

I WILL CHANGE THE WORLD . . . ONE INTESTINE AT A TIME

Organs, excretions, and severed limbs play a bleeding role in Douglas J. Ogurek’s inaugural collection. These unabashedly over-the-top stories merge horror and bizarro elements while remaining true to the unsplatterpunk subgenre’s focus on a positive message.

Children inflict excruciating injuries on their eager parents. The two most revered distracters face off in a bowling match. The Ultraviolent Steroids League’s only female player pitches against the misogynistic brute responsible for her missing eye. Young men race to ejaculate while watching fictitious torture and murder scenes. A narcissistic businessman gets initiated into a secret society with a gruesome hobby. The Loch Ness Monster comes out of hiding in a ferocious display while a seductive woman convinces a corporate executive to desecrate his own body. A dolt gains intelligence and self-confidence when he discovers secret messages in his feces. Two Cliché Assassins, Inc. employees go on a dangerous and cliché-ridden mission.

As you peel and squelch your way through these vile contents, be prepared to lose your lunch and learn a lesson . . . one intestine at a time.


(Check out Douglas J. Ogurek’s website and follow him on Twitter!)

JOIN THE WAR FOR FREE – SALE STARTS NOW!


PLUMFUKT PRESS KINDLE FREEBIE AND COUNTDOWN DEALS
(US & UK)

Thursday, October 28 through Monday, November 1, 2021


We need fresh meat for the front lines.

Join the War for free. If your first vicious, gruesome battle doesn’t make you go AWOL, nab the rest of the series for under two bucks/quid.

And if all-out war against non-sparkly, brutal vampires is too tame for you, your more extreme fetishes and taboos might be best explored in BITS ‘N’ PIECES, also under a buck/quid.

THE HUMAN-UNDEAD WAR I: DARK INTENTIONS
*FREE*

Thursday, October 28 – Monday, November 1
Kindle US and UK

ALL OTHER PLUMFUKT TITLES $0.99/£0.99

Thursday, October 28 – Monday, November 1
Kindle US and UK


SEVEN DAYS, A FREEBIE/KINDLE COUNTDOWNS, AND . . . A SEXY ALIEN?

As Halloween approaches, we’ve gotten lost in the season: the rattling leaves, deepening darkness, lengthening shadows, biting autumn winds. It’s the prime time for scary movies, hoodies, blood, guts, gore, and more.

It’s also the deadline for our novella and collection submission calls, ya fuckin’ slacker.

seven days

No, that’s not how many days you have left to live. You’ve got seven days including today to get your work polished and submitted before we close our doors and sift through the victims.

SUBMISSION GUIDELINES


JOIN THE WAR—FOR FREE

Thursday, October 28 – Monday, November 1
Kindle US and UK

The front lines are dwindling and we need fresh meat, so we’re offering DARK INTENTIONS, the first book in Jonathan Edward Ondrashek’s THE HUMAN-UNDEAD WAR dark fantasy vampire trilogy, for free on Kindle US and UK from Thursday, October 28 through Monday, November 1, 2021.

No fear, horror lovers. These ain’t your daddy’s pussy-ass vampires . . .

Click the corresponding image to join the War.

OTHER KINDLE COUNTDOWN DEALS

Thursday, October 28 – Monday, November 1
Kindle US and UK

You can finish what you start by also grabbing the second and third books, PATRIARCH and A KINGDOM’S FALL, on Kindle Countdown Deals for 99c/p apiece for the duration of that time. Find out which race survives the War, but make sure you’ve aligned with the right side first . . .

And if seedier, grosser, more extreme short pieces are what make your gumdrop nipples harden, you can nab BITS ‘N’ PIECES for 99c/p as well. Featuring a wide array of styles, topics, and horror subgenres, it’s a great collection to cuddle up to after you’ve disposed of those rotting corpses.

Didn’t WE mention a sexy alien?

Oh, yeah. We did!

We watched the latest season of American Horror Story and, while unimpressed on many fronts, we found ourselves salivating over Angelica Ross’s portrayal of a hybrid human-alien.

That big eye, though . . . Mmm.

Just us?

Oh.

Anyway . . . Have an unsafe and evil Halloween, psychos!



Midyear Madness: Audiobook, Kindle Countdowns, Spring Cleaning

Do you smell that in the air?

No, not that fresh, fetid pile of steaming dog shit which is now the centerpiece of your lawn. That other scent. The one that smells like . . . madness?

Maybe it’s because THE HUMAN-UNDEAD WAR I: DARK INTENTIONS is now available as an audiobook, or because the second in the trilogy, PATRIARCH, has entered production? Either way, you can join the War at your online Audible or iTunes recruiting stations today:

Audible: http://bit.ly/HUW1_DarkIntentions

iTunes: https://apple.co/3fRrZ1G

Nah, it’s more than that. The madness is tickling our olfactory receptors and making us giddy.

To celebrate these odd orgasmic feelings, we’ll be offering all Plumfukt titles for 99 cents each on Kindle now through 06/08/21. You can find them all on our Books page.

But that’s not all. During the entire month of June, you’ll have chances to win free promo codes for the first aforementioned Plumfukt audiobook. All you’ll have to do is comment on our Facebook page or tweets from @plumfuktpress when prompted and you’re entered to win. No right or wrong answers. Too fuckin’ easy.

Shit. One sec. I’m cleaning. Allergies. I have to—

Pardon me.

Ugh. I hate spring cleaning. How about you? Did you do any this year?

Did it include dusting off original, unpublished manuscripts that might titillate the Plumfukt crowd, by chance?

We only ask because rumor has it we’ll be opening up for novella and collection subs in the near future. (It’s us. We started the rumor.)

Yeah.

Madness.

We might all be plumb fucked, so let’s revel in it.





Plumfukt Horror Freebie and Kindle Countdown Deals, through November 1

Because we like you, we’re offering our titles at steep discounts to celebrate the only fucking holiday that ever matters: Halloween!

Beginning now through 11:59 p.m. CST on Monday, November 1, you can get Jonathan Edward Ondrashek’s first collection of horror shorts, drabbles, and dark poetry for FREE on Kindle! Ranging from extreme horror to psychological to dark comedy, and tackling subjects from depression to racism to climate change, Bits ‘n’ Pieces is sure to leave you with a few goosebumps, boners/moistness, chills, vomit-inducing facial expressions, and things to think on. Grab it now by clicking the pic below.

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In addition, all 3 of the Human-Undead War titles are just 99 cents each on Kindle for the same duration . Click the pics below and join the war, before it’s too late.

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Celebrate Halloween 2020 the right way by distancing with some well-written horror and dark fantasy, ya sickos!

Human-Undead War Trilogy FREE for a limited time!

Is your city locked down? Are you on paid leave from the job? Self-quarantined?

Starting to feel like we’re all plumb fucked?

Then you’ve come to the right place.

To combat cabin fever and isolation, The Human-Undead War Trilogy is FREE on Kindle Thursday 03/19 through Monday 03/23!

After wiping your ass with that stockpile of toilet paper (ya fuckin’ hoarder), sink your fangs into this epic dark fantasy/horror vampire trilogy. These vamps don’t sparkle, and COVID-19 won’t stop them from ripping your guts out.

Click the cover images to get your FREE copies now.

Enjoy, and please consider leaving reviews!